


one more (two less)

by tradrishanally



Series: The United States of Chaos* (*Read: America) [8]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers, Statetalia
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Gen, Protective Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-12-18 14:52:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18252077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tradrishanally/pseuds/tradrishanally
Summary: And she just keep telling herself “one more and then you can stop.”





	one more (two less)

**Author's Note:**

> Though I'm 99% sure y'all can read the tags. 
> 
>  
> 
> EATING DISORDER WARNING

The thing about people is that they stare and talk and laugh, and it may not be intentional but it always feels as if it is. It’s especially bad when she’s around 4 sticks she calls family and everyone’s possibly meaningless banter somehow turns into malice. She knows that it’s normal to think people are talking about you in public, it’s fight or flight _right_?

Still, she curls into herself with the possibility that they aren’t laughing at an inside joke or a dog sneezing but at her.

185 is a pretty average weight according to Kelsey and Sadie, and they scrutinize Loretta for being 100 pounds less than her (with Loretta’s retort being that she was always tiny, and she doesn’t know why she isn’t 300 pounds with the fact that she can eat 3 trays of honey biscuits and not feel sick).

Still, 185 is a big number, big like she is.

\----

She vents it out to Jamie, and he tells her that she’s just being irrational. She knows she is, but it’s nagging at the back of her mind. Jamie offers up a frozen Lindor Truffle to her and she greatly appreciates it.

(It melts on her drive back home and she throws it out.)

\----

Tumblr is a blessing for being shitposting heaven, but she looks up the wrong thing and ends up in a wrong place. You can see their ribs (Taylor once complained that during Loretta’s pressure weeks, she eats so little that you can see every bone in her spine but she refuses to take breaks and it’s terrifying.) and she knows that they must be so weak.

\----

Ketogenic. No carbs, lots of fats and oils.

Humans were once completely ketogenic and it seems easy enough.

(She makes an official ceremony of her disposal of over half her pantry and fridge, saluting them as she sets out her garbage for the next day. She only realises later that she could have donated the food and kicks herself for forgetting that.)

\----

Nobody ever tells you that you could pass out from not eating carbs. Energy failure from her body not knowing that fat can be  an energy source too.

(She feels better after a few days.)

\----

She checks the scale after a month, right before she has to go into work.

180.

She notes that it isn’t a drastic change, but it’s still pretty good for after a month.

(Her worst idea is writing it down.)

\----

People pick it up at Christmas.

“Bready foods just started tasting bleh to me. I’m giving it a couple months of ignoring it to see if it’s just that I’ve been eating them too often.”

Her excuse is perfect, and everyone understands. They’re immortal, they can get sick of foods they used to love easily.

\----

Back to 185 after New Years and she feels like a failure.

\----

Cut out all milk fats.

She adds that onto her list of don’ts (No Carbs, Sugars, and now Milk fats.)

\----

  1. There’s barely a difference physically, but there is a difference.



She is noticing that she is getting more energy. She can actually keep up with all the trivial things she wants to do in a day. (She spends most of her time going across the border to Jamie’s and helping him out.)

\----

It’s a family emergency when after 12 years, Zinnia’s refreshing the injection scars on the inside of her elbow and Sean is yelling at her.

They all head up to the house in Wherever-the-fuck-ville, Colorado and taking her stash and sitting through her pained screeching when the lows get to her. Her pleas fall on deaf ears and they know when her complaining stops that she has worn herself out.

Nobody does really anything because they’re worried, they just sit and wait for her to sober up so they can smack some sense into her. (Ximena yells at her through the door and it’s pitiful to hear her try and convince her sister to let her out.)

\----

150 after 3 weeks of doing almost nothing and worrying herself sick.

She pokes at her sides when her favourite skirt slips off after she takes 1 step.

That can’t be right. She barely looks as if the skirt should slip off- if anything she looks more bloated and worse.

\----

Jamie notices when she’s wearing a belt to hold up her shorts as she pets all his cows and calls them cuties (which really should be his job).

“Didn’t those shorts fit last month?” His question is awkward and confused.

“Yeah? Why?” Bianca smiles ( _it’s working_!!!!).

“You’ve had them since shorts became a thing. You’ve never had to wear a belt with them,” Jamie is still consciously trying to avoid insulting her. Weight is something you do not discuss at all. It’d never been a problem.

“Might be from the _blegh_ -ness of bready foods and such. I still can’t eat them.” Bianca squats down to pet Marietta and tell her that she’s the cutest of them all.

\----

145 and none of her old clothes fit that well anymore.

She pulls out everything that she couldn’t sew darts into or alter in any way and deposits 3 garbage bags full of clothes to Goodwill.

She heads to the mall after.

\----

Kelsey notices at 4th of July and forces her into a physical.

“Jesus Christ, Bia.  50 pounds in a year. I mean, it’s healthy considering you should be realistically losing a pound a week, but it’s drastic.” Kelsey frowns.

“I mean, I wanted to start feeling better and getting more energy and I am. Is there any problems?” Bianca gets worried when Kelsey frowns at her clipboard.

“You’re blood sugar is too low and you’re dehydrated. You could pass out if you don’t get water and sugar. I’ll get you 2 sugar cubes that we usually give to the horses. If you want an excuse to be lazy for an hour I can set up an IV.”

Bianca fakes a smile and nods. “I’ll just attack the lemonade instead. You don’t have to.”

\----

She doesn’t know what everyone else sees when she can stand in front of a mirror and still see what she looked like last year.

She checks the notebook by the scale.

 _August 19th- 139 lbs_.

She knows what people her height look like at 139 pounds. She doesn’t look like that.

She steps onto the scale.

111.

28 pounds in a week.

The little voice in her head is so proud of her, but she doesn’t understand why there isn’t a physical difference.

She checks her DON’Ts list.

 _No Carbs._   
_No Milk Fats._   
_No Salt._ _  
_ No beans.

It’s not enough.

 _No Red Meat_.

\----

She shaking so hard that she can’t even hold a fork correctly.

She curls up in a blanket and even that doesn’t stop her shaking.

(She only calms down after chain-smoking and she feels disgusted with herself.)

\----

Jamie comes by and is taken back by the fact that Bianca is curled into herself, covered by 3 blankets in _September_.

He comes in and makes himself known. Bianca looks up at him. Her face is hollow, her cheeks less full. She looks fragile. Like Loretta not eating for 2 months because of bullet wounds in her leg fragile. Like Zinnia trying so hard to stick through withdrawal but failing at the final finish fragile.

He goes to get her a drink, but the lemonade jug in the fridge has mold on it, so does the sweet tea pitcher.

The bottled drinks expired no less than 2 months ago.

He settles for water, dissolving vitamin supplements and iron supplements in it. She takes the drink eagerly, downs it all in one breath.

He can see her wrist joint almost perfectly. There are bruises everywhere on her.

It scares him.

\----

She just keep telling herself “one more pound lost and then you can stop.”

\----

The thing about people is that they stare and talk and laugh, and it may not be intentional but it always feels as if it is. It’s especially bad now, as she walks to the store, barely able to keep herself up on her feet. The people whisper and point, it’s obvious that she’s the focal point.

The voice is proud.

98 pounds.

2 digits.

The number was getting so much smaller, small like she is.

The grocer she has been loyal to doesn’t recognise her, but when he does he comes over and carries her bin for her.

2 tomatoes, a watermelon, zucchini, celery, and red cabbage. She only needs enough for her 2 meals this week.

The bin hardly looks full.

She pays for her food and a pack of cigarettes and she smiles as she faints.

\----

Kelsey thinks nothing of it when the phone rings.

“Doctor Kelsey Averell?” a voice asks.

“Mhmm. What seems to be the problem?”

She thinks it’s a simple call-will-give-enough-info deal.

“We have a Miss Bianca Holcomb in the ER and her Medical Card says she’s partial to you. Is there any way you could come in to-”

Kelsey stops listening.

“I’ll be in within a few hours. Keep her on supplements and saline until I get there. I have her records.” Kelsey grabs the car keys and when she reaches the highway her speedometer hits 97.

\----

Kelsey arrives as the nurse who called is coming out.

“What room is Bianca Holcomb in? I’m her requested doctor,” Kelsey starts, providing ID to show that she is Dr. Kelsey Averell.

The nurse looks satisfied and Kelsey gags at the heavily bruised skeleton on the bed.

 _That can’t be Bianca_.

“Can she stand up with braces?” Kelsey asks. If she looks like a skeleton, then she can’t be at a healthy weight.

“Maybe we should get more fluids and nutrients in her before we try. She’s severely dehydrated,” the nurse pleads.

Kelsey nods.

\--

36 hours. (Coffee is nice when you’re on call.)

7 IVs of saline and nutrients and Bianca is finally waking up. The colour in her face and joints had returned 2 hours ago.

Biancais frantic when she wakes up and she pulls her IV out.

Kelsey gets up and puts the needle back in her arm and tapes it down liberally.

“Scale. Now.” Her tone leaves no room for argument.

\--

98.6 pounds.

 _98.6 pounds_.

BMI of 14.6. _Severely_ underweight.

She calls Jamie while Bianca cries and begs her not to.

\----

She’s slowly given food.

First a few baby carrots. She kept them down.

Next some popcorn. She kept that down.

The heavier stuff is the problem

Mac and Cheese? Thrown up immediately because of how much and how heavy it is.

A little salmon? Kept down for about 3 hours. Thrown up.

Kelsey takes note of all the food and nutrients she gets, keeping her on and off the scale to make sure her weight goes up.

\----

Jamie’s crying.

Isaac’s crying.

Amory’s crying.

Bianca’s crying in pain. Jamie’s squeezing her too hard. (He’s barely putting pressure on her.)

\----

November 23.

 _123 pounds_.

 _Underweight_.

November 30.

 _128 pounds_.

 _Normal Weight, risk_.

\----

Bianca is let out and back home.

It doesn’t take long for to rip up everything she had for her maintenance. (She tries to but she can’t. She throws the notebook and paper in the fire and sets it ablaze.

\----

She doesn’t know how long it’s been.

Sleeping is so easy to do. So, she just sleeps.

\----

Kelsey comes down around Christmas. She brings everything she needs.

Bianca is asleep.

Waking her up is easy. Getting her on the scale is easy.

December 22.

94 pounds.

BMI of 13.9. _Severely_ underweight.

Bianca’s horrified look is enough. “How did I lose that much in a week?”

\----

Kelsey calls it “babysitting.”

Jamie calls it “Sister-saving.”

Isaac calls it “Necessary but not ideal.”

Kelsey trusts that Jamie can be assertive enough for her to recover.

\----

The first couple of days go great, Bianca is eating small portions of everything.

Jamie puts the weight and BMI in a notebook and sends them to Kelsey every day.

The next couple of days are good. Everything is going smoothly.

Then it gets worse.

\----

Bianca naps so frequently.

She can sleep all night and sleep the full time in-between meals.

It’s inevitable that she’ll sleep through a few.

\----

“Bia. I don’t care about your dignity. If you don’t come down on your own I will carry you.”

“Jamie. I’m tired.”

“I want you to get better, and sleeping isn’t going to help you.”

\--

He carries her down and gives her a small cup of coffee with her “rabbit food.” (some lettuce, tomatoes, and baby carrots.)

She keeps it down but grimaces at how sweet the coffee is.

Jamie didn’t put sugar in her coffee.

\----

Kelsey seems satisfied with the numbers. _134 pounds_ . _BMI of 19.4_.

\----

Bianca is allowed to leave.

This time she tries.

\----

She buys her old grocery list, and she tries.

She starts off small. Fruit salad.

She keeps that down.

\----

She smiles as she flips the small cut of steak. It’ll be her first time eating this in almost 5 years.

She takes small bites, finishes off the veggies she steamed first.

She keeps it down.

(She throws up some baby carrots she had been snacking on later, but she knows that it’s only because she had her first “big meal.”)

\----

Thanksgiving.

She hopes she could make it through.

\--

Everyone is watching her. They all know, Kelsey would have warned them.

She eats a full plate of food.

She doesn’t feel up to dessert.

(She forces herself to keep it down, fighting her body.)

\----

She knows that she can do it.

She knows that she can’t listen to it.

The little voice in her head is angry.

She looks in the mirror and sees the version of herself that only the mirrors show.

She breaks all of her mirrors.

(That’s 42 years of bad luck.)

\----

She calls Jamie at midnight and laments it all to him between sobs.

He arrives at her house at 2 am.

\----

It’s too easy for her to fall back onto her old ways.

Jamie gives up trying to force her.

(Isaac threatens to break Jamie’s heart if she doesn’t get her act together. Bianca has never felt so threatened in her life.)

\----

She accepts that some days it’ll be easy and some days it’ll be hard.

The voice in her head nags about lack of control and how she was so much better at 98 pounds.

She disagrees.

And she just keeps telling herself, “One more, whatever it is you need at that moment, and you’ll be okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> Anonymous comments disabled to prevent anonymous hellraising.


End file.
